SoulinProcess

the post

Paul Miller has an incredible insight into the heart of man, and this post is no exception. Very thought-provoking, challenging.

If you haven’t read his Love Walked Among Us, you owe it to yourself and those around you to do so now. Right now!

It never ceases to amaze me how predictable certain emotions are. Last week I started realizing how service-oriented this weekend would be, and started praying about my self-centeredness. My constant battle is how easily I become self-centered in the midst of serving others, which truly is my joy. We all experience this process; this is simply my manifestation: my flesh rages while I enjoy communion with the Spirit.

So, last week I was hammered with all sorts of temptations – selfishness, pride, self-pity, materialism – all hideous celebrations and worship of self. I wish I could say that I fought it all off, but I fell time and again. Grace, more grace!

So, coming out of this weekend – which was incredible, and I can only point to God giving me the endurance to get through – I got home after the praise service and emotionally crashed. Actually, I can point to the exact moment the crash happened: as I turned off of Lewisberg Pike onto Critz, the self-doubt and criticism started creeping in. By the time I pulled into the driveway, I was in full deep funk, so now I’m praying for faith to see the other side. By tomorrow, or at latest Tuesday, I’ll be back in normal spirits.

This happens almost every weekend. It’s like fighting the flu – my mind can only hold out so long, and pour myself out so much. Very much a Romans 7:20-8:4 time.

I’ve been pushing pretty hard lately – very full schedule. I don’t think I realized how hard until this morning. Still dead-tired when the alarm went off, I spun through the list of things I wanted to get done before heading in to the office this morning, and just couldn’t do it. I’m sure you know the feeling.

So, I kicked the alarm back 30 more minutes. Decided in the shower that I was going to go to Puckett’s Market for breakfast. Puckett’s is a new restaurant in downtown Franklin, about a block from the office. I’ve been there once or twice for lunch, and decided to try breakfast. Wow.

Had their wheat pancakes – these were, bar none, the best pancakes I’ve ever had. They weren’t as heavy as whole grain stuff usually is, and had whole grain nuts mixed in, which gave them an interesting texture.

The most striking thing, though, was the simple calm of the morning. When I got there, 3 tables were occupied, so I had the choice of seating. Picked a table by the window, over in the corner where I could watch the room. The server was wonderful – when I was getting ready to pack up, she encouraged me to stay for another cup of coffee. Gotta love that! Oh, and they don’t charge for coffee with a meal. It’s not astounding Mad Russian, by any means, but it’s a good solid cup of coffee.

I had brought a book that’s been in my “to read” stack for a couple of months: Love Walked Among Us by Paul Miller. It is an easy read, conversationally written, simple, but profound. I’ll try to post some of my thoughts and take-aways from the first few chapters later today.

So I’m thankful for the time this morning to step out of the whirlwind, breathe deep, confessing that I look too often to my own hand for provision, instead of to God, and ask for greater dependence and submission.

The phone started ringing as I booted up.

This thought came to me driving home this evening from a friend’s home. I know, it looks obvious. Here’s what I mean:

Pretty much all of the sin in my life comes from being self-centered. Whether it is anger (”justified” or not), self-righteousness, lust, being judgemental, whatever, it’s coming from either being focused on me — either filling my needs or wants, admiring my attributes, or even seeing how much of an aecetic I can be, compared to someone else.

However, even when, by some work of the Spirit, I do act out of a conscious desire to worship, to point someone else to the beauty of Christ, my flesh creeps in, and says “good going! I’ll bet they’ll really be [thankful, feeling guilty, loving you, etc.] now!”, drawing my attention away from the joy of knowing that God is being glorified, and true love given, to ways that I can feed the desires of my flesh, and be self-congratulatory, or manipulative, or …. My flesh cannot stand a moment to pass that’s not focused on itself, and constantly seeks to bring attention back to it. My flesh is self-centered.